Last weekend my nephew flew into a fit of embittered rage after I beat him three games straight at table top hockey. Not once has he beaten me at anything, not even hide and seek because that’s the kind of aunt I am. He’s five. Maybe I should let him win once in a while but that’s another topic.
The fit of rage ended as abruptly as it started when he yelled at me, “you don’t love me! You never buy me anything!” (anything pronounced, ‘Annnnnnnnie Thennnnnng’ for effect). This from the kid who has a savings account the size of the Greek deficit. Some of the proceeds of which came from myself, trying to balance cash and toys to avoid spending too much money on well…crap… that he would play with once or twice, hoping that a little later the funds would be able to help him out with say, an education! I did something I’ve never done before and summoned his mother and told her what he said. She was unfazed, clearly she’d heard it all before but she saw that I was upset so he was directed to his room. My sister assured me, whilst dragging him down the hallway, that he was just tired. Tired?! He protested, passionately the whole way like he was an innocent victim en route to death row.
The comment still brings tears to my eyes as I write this, I was devastated. My initial thoughts were that I’d betrayed the poor kid by getting him sent to his room but most importantly; I needed to buy him more crap and fast. I took stock of what I’d bought him lately. He was right, I didn’t love him! I never bought him annnnnnnnie thennnnnng! Of course there were gifts on Birthday’s and Holiday’s etc but those clearly didn’t count. Yeah sure I’d recently bought him two packs of mighty beans but what are two packs of mighty beans when the kid next door has hundreds of them!
He’s a blessing of a nephew, smart, inquisitive, fantastically funny and a talented hockey goalie but I can’t forgive him right now for his comment and when I do I know I’ll never forget what he said. I’m sure he’s long forgotten the incident, as he should; the poor child was tired and made a fleeting comment that wasn’t intended to send his aunt to a therapist or to blog about him behind his back. This is my problem not his. I don’t want to reward him for his comment but at the same time I don’t want him to think of me as a person with a mean spirited wallet. A person who claims to love him but never buys him anything.
I’ve decided that if he writes me a story, complete with illustrations, I’ll buy him new books. I’ve asked for the story but haven’t told him about the new books. He’s excited about the task. He’s never been the type of kid who asks for things but it’s been my first real insight into the challenges of being a parent. I don’t envy trying to balance saying yes and no to endless demands for toys and the latest Ben 10 shirts. The Jones’ exist on the playground but they’re meaner, more vocal about who has what and understand quantity and volume seemingly innately. How do you achieve the middle ground of not having them feeling excluded on the playground without turning them into little brats? And how do families with fixed incomes handle these demands? Do parents who can afford to indulge their children give into constant demands for an easy life? Sure, you can tell them that it’s who they are and not what they have that counts, you can tell them this because it’s true. In the world of a child though, it’s tough not to have what your friends have.
I’d love to hear how the parents/guardians/aunts /uncles out there handle the infamous “I want (ad infinitum)”
{ 7 comments }
Parents, from the get go, have to be reasonable with what they buy their children. Kids can’t have everything they see, and want. and TV is a big culprit here, as it sesm to offer lots, but it’s not free, and even if it was, no child needs everything he/she asks for. Kids cannot understand budgets, nor do some parents, so the adult has to be the adult and control the stuff bought and train their kids in this restraint. It is not easy, as even adults tend to buy too much stuff, and it’s the wrong use of money to waste it. No matter on who….Early child training by example and gentle response to continuing demands can be helpful. Good luck!!
Interesting point of view. I would say that unfortunately in this consumer driven society people are constantly buying unnecessary items for their children. I think there is a lot of pressure to do so. I applaud the parent or relative who thinks twice about it.
Whoa, Five what a great age, I remember my son at that age it was very difficult and it was about what their friends had and what he did not have. The story he will write will be awesome and cherish it, I created a date night for my son and I which helped with his wanting what his friends had. Why not make a special date with your nephew say once every two weeks and make it very special for him; he never will ever forget those times. My son is now 30 years old making a six figure salary but when he visited last he said “do you want to go out; it’s our old date night.” with a big smile on his face, we did a movie and dinner he enjoyed it just as much as I did. Making memories which will last for ever is great.
Oh for god’s sake buy the kid something! I am sick of people who care mostly for their bank accounts and savings. Seize the day, enjoy something cute that someone made and support the local artisan! Creative gifts stimulate the imagination and create wonderful memories! A gift does not have to meana a plastic piece of junk made in China.
Only the banks get rich if you do nothing but save. Imagine the world without artists, fashions, colour, restaurants, fine cooking, plays, concerts-only fat bank accounts and public parks.
My mom still remembers when as a little girl she wanted a special little purse that she saw in a store and went to see every day. Her mother pondered and pondered and refused. The purse cost pennies, but the memory of that refusal and deprivation has lasted for 81 years.
P.S. Let the kid win once in a while! It’s good for their sef esteem.
I’m 36 and have two aunts and an uncle that I saw once or twice a year growing up. I can honestly say, I cannot remember a single gift I received from any of them before the age of 25. What I do remember is time spent with them, especially the one on one time (that goes for my parents as well, who did not always give in to ‘I want’…and there were plenty of them). Some of my favourite memories include going for a drive, a sleepover, and a meal at McDonalds…once it was just sitting in front of a fire. Keep on being the wonderful aunt that you are Emma, what you’re doing is teaching life skills and building some character. When your nephew is older, he’ll have some fond memories of the time you guys spent together and his toys will be long gone…along with your winning streak at table top hockey! He’s still young, in a few years he’ll be kicking your butt at that game!
My son is 20 now… and still knows that he doesn’t get ANYTHING unless there is a special reason for it. When he was the age of your nephew, he’d say “i want… i want…” and I’d ask him if it was his birthday? No. Is it Christmas? No. Did you do something special today to deserve that? No.
Then you don’t get it.
As for the toys that get played with once or twice… put them away when they get ignored… and bring them out a few months later – they are like NEW toys!!! And if you keep boxes, that makes it look even newer!
Good luck… and don’t worry… you are a great aunt!!!
I usually read your posts and then continue on my merry way through life and financial flounders. However, today, I just couldn’t help but post a little reply.
I have been fortunate enough to be blessed with two nieces, neither of whom have every complained about the lack of gifts from their aunt. Of course, the elder niece, is lavished gifts by her aunts (who are of substantially more wealth than I), but what they can give her in material items is way less important than what I can give her.
When her boyfriend dumped her, I was the one she called to lean on for advice. When she was needing advice on whether or not to move into off-campus residence at college or to switch her program, I was the one that she came to.
I might not be able to lavish her with expensive gifts, but I do try to pick her up a little something inexpensive when I travel, like a keychain or a tshirt. However, I believe that she finds the advice, comfort and love that I provide to her much more valuable than any bobble.
As for the younger niece, she lives in another province, so when I get to see her once a year, we are just so happy to see each other and spend time together, that money and gifts never come into the equation.
Good luck with your nephew and I’m sure his story complete with illustrations will be the best gift YOU’LL ever receive
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